no.11

live update: listening to Cockiness by Rhianna, look up from laptop and make eye contact with random male in class.

hi.

a letter to the boy sitting across from me

hello.


you've only talked to me like maybe three times, but I think i'm in love with you.


that was way too forward.
let me start over.

Hello,

    I know that secret admirer letters are really cliche, and for you I don't want to be cliche.
But I don't know what else to call this letter, so I apologize for being obvious. I guess I just really like the tailoring of your pants and I really like your art.
I look at your journal sometimes and the things you create are intense without trying too hard. You're honest and funny but you know when to push the knife into the wound a little deeper.



I like that.




   You walk with such confidence and you smile at all the right people, but if I look hard enough, I can see you hesitate before you step towards her. She brings you to your knees and you bow willingly.
You love her.
And I think she loves you too, but in a different way.
I guess that's why I'm writing this.
I guess I'm just saying that I can love you the same way you love her.
But you don't want me to, so I'm staying secret for you.

I guess this is where you quietly whisper "thank you" under your breath.

I'll shut up now. I've said enough.

But just remember that there is always someone out there who sees you, even though you don't always see them.

OK, that's it.

Bye.

haunt me

the next time you see her, i want you to think of me.

i want you to tremble at the thought of being without me.

the next time you kiss her i want you to secretly pretend its me.

the next time you try to say her name, i want you to say mine instead.

i want you to in-vision me like a mirage when she walks through the door.

i want my scent to penetrate your senses when you lay in bed at night.

when you propose to her, i want you to buy my ring size and not hers.

when she kisses you on the neck i want you to quietly whisper my name.

and when she giggles I want you to hear my laugh instead.

when you turn on the radio in your car, i want you to hear me sing along.

and when you lay down your head at the end of the day, i want you to tell me about your day at the office in your head.

i want you to break down crying in the shower because you know i won't be there to get you the towel you forgot in the dryer.

i want you to forever feel the empty space by your side.

i want you to rapidly turn around when you hear my name.

i want you to be miserably haunted by my existence.

because you haunt mine.

Odile

Black has always suited me.

It is void of color that can either fade you out or put you in the spotlight.

When put into a strapless black gown, it contrast by bleached white skin and shows off my collar bone.

Instantly, I become a temptress.

I can bring men to their knees, begging for mercy in the manner of walking.

I become their ruler.

Their ultimate demise.

Their undoing.

I can tear them apart with no problem.

The only problem is, I don't want to.

I don't want to be the girl every woman despises at the ball.

I want to be the kind, soft beauty.

I want to be Odette.

The one chance I get to be her, I can't even truly be the person she is.

I may look like her, but I can never truly be her.

Even in her disquise I have to harm.

I have to be a sex object, and not an object of affection.

The Prince is a true, beautiful man.

But even he cannot withstand the impulse I provide.

I guess this is who I am, and who I will forever remain.

The bad girl wrapped in feathers.

The Black Swan.

no.10

I wish I could say I wasn't thinking about you.
I wish I could say I've moved on and that I think your new lover is great.
I wish I could say that your new haircut sucks.
I wish I could say that I hated that day at the lookout.
I wish I could say that I wasn't looking forward to February.

I wish I could say that I don't pull out your sweater to smell your cologne.
I wish I could say that your new lovers jeans look awesome.
I wish I could say that I hate your ugly laugh.
I wish I could say the opera is better without you.
I wish I could say that you have great taste in lovers.

I wish you weren't a cad.
I wish you never treated me like a mistress.
I wish my existence caused you pain and agony.
I wish you never asked me what my name was.
I wish I could just kiss you at least seven more times.

I wish I could say I wasn't thinking about you.

But I can't.

I'm sorry.



Forgive me,
Charles Darnell

A Random Page Found in Genevieve's Diary

Hi, it's me again.

Mom said something weird to me today.

She said, "you're turning into a woman."

What does that even mean?

Like, my period started seven years ago. 

And I've been a C-cup since 7th grade.

I look like a woman I guess, but I'm not a size 2 or anything.

Is that what she meant?

Or did she mean I'm getting more mature? Like in my brain?

I've been more mature than the kids in my grade forever,so that's not different.

I mean most of them don't even know what the word "fickle" means.

But that's beside the point.

Does turning into a woman mean I have applied for college?

Or that I finally got up the courage to ask a guy out?

Or that I started taking a makeup bag to school?

I don't know.

All I know is that I don't want to be called a "woman" yet because I feel like I've had to be one my whole life.

I've had to act grown up.

I've had to pretend things are alright when they're not.

I just want to be a kid for once.

I just want to play with my Barbies in nothing but my panties.
I just want to sleep on my stomach and not wake up in aching pain the next morning.

I just want to not care about anything or anyone but myself for the first time.

Remind me to burn you in seventeen years.

-Geni

no.9

Things to do by yourself.

• movie marathons
• fancy dinners
• shopping
• attending dances
• bubble baths 
• staying a night in a hotel room
• walks in the park
• crying
• dessert for dinner
• writing in a diary
• petting a cat
• knitting
• taxes
• checking emails
• checking twitter
• checking facebook
• checking tumblr
• repeating the previous four several times over
• creating a secret shrine
• watching star trek reruns
• getting a drink and pastry at your local cafe
• writing poetry
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• writing lists