everyone is moving on and i'm still in my parents basement. i'm not even using the apartment down there, i'm just on my laptop in my room. i don't even have a job. i'm not going to school this fall. i would be caught dead at a singles ward. today i didn't even go to church. i laid on my couch and watched every episode of Sherlock.
i told my mom two nights ago that i didn't really want to be a member of the church anymore and she was supportive but i know i broke her heart. mom, i know that the gosple you have taught me since infancy is true, it's just that i'm terrified of conforming. so please give me time. i'll come around eventually.
i told my therapist about the triggers that i have when i'm out at night and when fireworks go off. she said that they are healthy but it's hard to see it that way when you scream at the sound of poppers going off and when you can't help but run to your car because you heard a twig snap in the yard. and i understand why everyone says that Hounds of Baskerville is the boring episode of the series but to me it is the only relatable one. shows rarely show the affects of PTSD years later.
i'm not very poetic anymore. i can't make my pain sound beautiful like i used to. it's impossible for me to tell you about my self harm relapse and make it metaphorical at the same time. it just happened and i couldn't control myself. there's no message in that.
i guess i'm just stuck in the basement where my words are meaningless and the walls are deep enough to dull the sound of fireworks and the voice of God.
Charles, one thing is desperately true about this writing community & you:
ReplyDeleteyou are loved.
We believe in you and having periods of writing where it feels futile is important (shoutout to Sufjan Steven's "Futile Devices": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2dNTjE6ItI).
Hounds of Baskerville was an INTENSE episode. I was freaking out a little haha watching it alone on a sick day last year.
Missed you @the open mic last week.
I think this comment could go on forever.
I think of you as my brother, although that sounds dumb.
Words are futile devices.
I like how you say it's not poetic anymore, yet you're still a better writer than most of these bloggers.
ReplyDelete"i guess i'm just stuck in the basement where my words are meaningless and the walls are deep enough to dull the sound of fireworks and the voice of God."
ReplyDeleteUhh you don't think that is poetic? And I love everything you write because it is so honest and so real. That's what good writing is supposed to be.
"i can't make my pain sound beautiful like i used to."
ReplyDeleteThere are tears in my eyes.
THIS is beautiful. This is real and this is putting your heart out there. I hope things get easier. I've always admired your work and your ability to not care about everyone else and the opinions that don't match yours.
ReplyDeleteWith your comments, I try to really think about what to say. But all I can think to say right now is that you are amazing. and more than just a writer.
ReplyDelete