adjective; too unusual, extreme, or indefinite to be adequately described

i could sit here and write about how mad(ly in love) i am with him and i could write about how worried i am for his sister and i could write about how much i miss the girl 6 feet under who never got to kiss a boy and i could write about the uncle who's wife didn't want to open the garage door and i could write about the girl who dreams of film and florida and i could write about my father who is never home and i could write about the nephew that can't say my name right and i could write about the boy who is going to spain who i wish i could've kissed one more time and i could write about the teacher who gave me paris and i could write about the kid on the res who overdosed when i was 16 and i could write about the man who knew what to do in the back of a car and i could write about the boy who ran away to the islands who i wish i could've run away with and i could write about the girl who called me a freak in 7th grade and i could write about the boy in russia who i was never good enough too and i could write about my 6th grade teacher who was named after a female sex organ and i could write about the girl who loves collin firth as much as i do and i could write about the woman that gave me the life i sometimes don't want and i could write about how important they all are to me and  how wounded they all left me but i cannot write about how lonely my heart is because it is    i    n    d    e    s    c    r    i    b    a    b    l    e    

hand & heart

my heart is in God's hand

blood dripping from it's vessels

pumping gently in His palm

He holds it out in front of me

asks if i want to hold it

but i say no

i curl His fingers around it

He draws His hand back

and grips a little tighter

to hold onto me a little longer

because i've left so many times

so with clean hands i turn

leaving His stained with blood

casual sex

i read an article on the perks and benefits of casual sex (because that totally pertains to me).

it said that it can boost your self esteem and your confidence.

and for many people that may be the case.

and if that's the case for you than that's great (but for the love of humanity use protection).

but i know for a fact that casual sex would tear my soul apart.

because i can't even kiss a guy without professing my love for him on the second date.

love was never a casual thing for me.

and i know that for everyone else sex and love are completely different.

but to me their one and the same (theoretically, i mean i'm a virgin what would i know).

so i guess i'm just letting you know i fall too easily.

and i don't break, i shatter.

so please don't be casual with me.

because chances are i'm already in love with you.

and if you don't love me than just don't talk to me.

because i'm tired of trying to put together my shattered heart.

i did something kind of cool (ps this isn't a poem)

if you read my 2009-2013 post you can probably guess what i've struggled with for years. and for a while i haven't had urges, but yesterday i had one. a strong one. but i didn't act on it. for once in my life i controlled myself as best as i could and i din't hurt myself. it was so hard to do and i've never fought myself like that before. but i did it. and this may sound really cheesy and cliché, but i'm so proud of myself. i'm just really excited about it and i just wanted to tell someone other than my therapist. so sorry that this isn't artistic or that meaningful, and i'm not quite sure why i'm telling you this in the first place, but i am.



so yeah.... that's it.