no.

this chapter in my life is over

two years

two horrible, beautiful years

to be honest, it ended a year ago

but i wasn't ready to let go of it for a long time

i was still in love with the words

i was still in love with him



well i guess i still am

but i don't love these words the way i used to

because they are no longer mine

they are charles

they are not sarah's



it's time for sarah to write perhaps

let her have an honest voice

and honest chance of being herself

it's time for me to put the pen name aside

because it doesn't roll off the tongue the way it used to



thank you to all who read my words

thank you to all who listened to me speak

thank you to all who taught me

thank you for all those who let me try to teach them

thank you to all those who accepted charles with no hesitations

truly, i cannot thank you enough

i cannot fully thank you for the life you all saved



but now that this life is saved, it must go on

it must continue to thrive and survive

to experience all that there is left in the world

"all moons go through phases i guess."



so i guess this is goodbye

but i'm not truly leaving

my ghost will remain in these poems

left here to haunt all those who are in need of some memories

or are in search of some answers



i love you all



sincerely,



charles darnell

4/25/15 - 5/17/15

i saw that new picture
the one where you had your arms around her
your head in her shoulder

you only ever held me like that in the dark
with the door locked
in the middle of the night

but there you are
out in public in the light of day
and you love her

you said you loved me
not three weeks before they took this photo
what happened?

was i not enough?
was i not worthy to be loved with the whole world watching?
were you ashamed of me?

because if you were, you shouldn't have said "i love you"
because i said "i love you too"
and now i'm ashamed of myself

because i meant every word





and you didn't

i've known you for a year

and i still love you just as much

as i did the day we met

but you don't know i love you

and i know you only love me to an extent

but i'm telling you now

i love you to no extent

and i always will

but i have to let you go

because i need a love that's limitless

and you're holding yourself back

and that's ok

you're still healing

but now it's my turn to hold myself back

because i can't keep pushing myself into your sword

when you won't fall onto mine

and i know that i'll bleed

and i know it will leave a deep scar

but i'll look on it with love

knowing that the blood i spilt was all for you

even if you didn't want it

i have no regrets darling

because you were worth every drop

the pain was outweighed by the joy you gave me

the sacrifice was worth the way you made me feel

and it's only a flesh wound

it will heal with time

and i hope one day you find a cloud to land on

instead of a sword to fall on

because you have so many scars

you don't deserve anymore

so let me pull the sword out of my chest

let me kiss you one last time with blood stained lips

let me walk away

and i know you will still want to be friends

but i need to do this on my own darling

just let me go knowing i will forever love the scent of cigarette smoke

and that you can always find me at sunset cafe

that watching pulp fiction won't ever be the same

that jean dujardin will forever remind me of you

that the taste of glass bottle coca cola will always be on the tip of my tongue

know that i will always love you


i will always love you


so thank you for giving me the best year of my life

i wish you every happiness in the world

and if fate allows us to find each other again

please say hello

but until then

goodbye

i love you


i love you








i love you

-- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. .

i just need to feel your heart beat
the same way mine does
and i'm beating against your chest
the rhythm that is in me
a morse code that you're not receiving
so i try to speak what my heart is saying
by pressing my lips against yours
but my sonnets feel incoherent
and you mistake them for kisses
i'm trying to give you everything
but you think you already have it
darling, there is so much more
we are more than flesh and bone
let me give you what you're missing
give me what i have been seeking
let your heart beat in morse code
along with mine
receive me
.-.. --- ...- . / -- .

let's be childish

we make out at his place on the weekend but you'll never see us holding hands in the street on a tuesday. we're in love with the way each other looks and the way we make each other laugh and the way that we kiss and we're in love with our little coffee dates and car rides but we're not in love with each other.

i mean we love each other, we care about each other and we always want the other to be happy. but we don't love each other enough to call the other when we're sad. we don't love each other enough to get into fights over who pays the bill. we don't love each other enough to hold hands in front of our parents.



isn't it strange that kissing is more intimate than holding hands in public, yet it's the opposite in private?



maybe it's because kissing is seen as passionate and lustful. it's not innocent. but holding hands is loving and caring. children do it all the time. and i know we're no longer children but i still feel like we are.



darling, let's be childish.



let's do something foolish this tuesday. you can hold my hand and i can give you a peck on the cheek. we could go look at rings and houses and cribs. and who knows, maybe after we do all that we can get a 401K and plan our retirement.



let's be childish.



because i'm tired of being a grown up with you.




and i don't want to kiss you, i want to hold your hand.

🚬🔪💀follow for more soft grunge💀🔪🚬

she stood like a ghost against the blacklight of 3am

blood dripping from her mouth and nose

wearing shoes too big and too high to walk in

and she was trying too damn hard

she was trying too damn hard

the aesthetic she was aiming for was too dirty

and the blood was fake and everyone knew it

life is not a soft grunge tumblr blog

and everyone knew it but her

but she liked the way the blood looked on her skin

she loved the black and white bands

she wanted to have tears in her tights

and she wanted someone to see her

but no one is awake at 3am

a letter to lloyd (the last one i promise)

dear lloyd,



i saw you got your mission call. congrats. i hope you'll forgive me for not being as excited as i should be. it's just that i don't want you to go. and i know that sounds weird considering you moved out of the state for school and that the last time you saw me was on graduation day. but even though you've been gone, you've still been writing. i don't feel like you've left because you're still in paris too.

but missions take you a long way from paris. and missionaries aren't allowed to keep up a blog i suppose. so this is the last i will hear of lloyd. and that breaks my heart.

so since lloyd will die at the entrance of the mtc. and since you probably will never see me again, i've decided to make you a list of what i've been dying to tell you for the past three years.



1. i've had the biggest crush on you ever since you stepped into mrs. wrights class in 2011.

2. i would purposefully go out of my way to find you at dances so i could dance behind you to make your dates mad and to hopefully get your attention.

3. you're hair looks fine either long or short, but when your rattail got cut off i was so relieved because honestly it looked really bad.

4. one time in human geography i got to sit next to you and i honestly could not pay attention to the lesson because i was so nervous being around you.

5. i'm also really sorry i texted you pretending to be mrs. wrights daughter, it was the only way i had the courage to text you and it was a really bitchy thing to do.

6. you have no idea how elated i was when you forgave me for doing that and then coming down the next day to the open mic in provo to hang out with me.

7. your writing is so honest and real and it makes me feel and think things that are new to me. your perspective on life is so refreshing to me and your blog will always be one of my favorites.

8. you are honestly one of the smartest and introspective people i've ever met. i would just wait to see you raise your hand in class because i always knew i was going to learn something new every time you spoke.

9. and you are one of the sweetest guys i've ever met because i read what you were writing to mrs. wrights daughter. you were so sincere and so kind and you put your heart out on your sleeve with no hesitation.


so yeah, thats it. i just needed you to know that someone has cared about you all these years. that someone saw you for who you really were. that someone admired the person you hid for so many years from afar. so i guess this is goodbye. a goodbye to someone that i never had the courage to say hello to.

goodbye lloyd. thank you for everything.



love,

charles darnell