no.5

I slept with my lovers shirt last night.
The smell seemed to calm my nerves.
I just wanted to feel the fabric against my face
and just imagine my head on their shoulder.
But when I woke up I was scared.
I was scared because I realized that shirt no longer belonged to me.
I was scared because I realized that it took a lie to help me fall asleep.
Even though I was the one who broke it off.

I went to a school the other day.
I walked through the front door with confidence.
I felt in my heart older than them and more mature.
I felt content with myself until I saw them all.
The moment I saw the masses of hormonal raging teens, I lost it.
I fell back into the cast order of sexual angst and popularity.
I fell back into the cast of the Untouchable's.
The place that I desperately crawled out of once I left this hell hole.
I was traumatized once more, knowing that once again, I wouldn't be accepted.

I visited a cathedral today.
I walked in and was engulfed by the awesomeness of God.
But as I walked past the aisles and prayer benches, I trembled.
I looked up at that holy Crucifix and saw the red paint that fell down His sides.
I looked up at the One they said had done that for all my sins.
I looked and I was ashamed, because in all my life, I had done not one thing for Him.
Not one thing in return.
Not one.

I guess I am only afraid of four things.
I fear making the wrong choice.
I fear doing nothing for me or for You.
I fear of never being accepted.
I fear what you will think of me through it all.
I will continue to apologize and say "I'm sorry" for you.
But what is most frightening, is that it will never be enough.
And that is the biggest fear of all.
Never being enough.

I'm sorry,
Charles Darnell