It's February 26th but it feels like March 14th

I spent lunch with Lexi and Gabi today.
We talked with Nelson and for just a moment everything made sense.
I understood why she shaved her head.
I understood why she needs an IV.
I understood why I had been spending my lunches alone in the corner of the classroom.
I understood why nobody dressed up for Itzel when she was diagnosed.

No wait, I still don't understand that bit.








I don't think he knows this but that classroom that we sat in today saved my life.



I don't think he gets how that poem about his daughter made me sob.


I don't think he understands how much I wanted to run into his arms and weep when I mentioned her death anniversary today.





I've been crying all week.

And it's so hard to stuff it in when your friend is supposed to be 18 years old and not 6 feet underground.

She's laying in that white coffin and if I could I would take her place if she asked me to.
If she got tired of the dark and cold and wanted to feel the sunlight on her face I would dig my own grave and smile the whole way down and she could be happy.


And maybe she is happy.



But I sure as hell am not.



And even though this afternoon made sense I'm still confused about why she had to go so soon.

I'm still confused about how I didn't get the chance to say I love you.

To say goodbye.



"You are my sweetest downfall.
                             I loved you first."




With love to Gabi, Lexi, and Kyle,


Charles Darnell