#confessiontweet

i don't want to write about love anymore.

i just want to feel it.

_____________________

she said "Sarah, your life is so hard."
and i was taken back, because i never really noticed how shit it all was.

i guess i had spent my whole life stuffing my emotions and memories in the dark corners of my mind and numbed myself with the retina display screen to get through.
i didn't let myself look back at the road i had been down because i had to be the one to direct everyone to the final destination of resolution and closure.
i couldn't reach out to people for help because you can't exactly tell people that you're hiding in your aunts attic to avoid being sold into prostitution.
i wasn't able to worry about my first love who had gotten skin cancer because i was too busy picking a new last name just incase my family was put into witness protection.
i couldn't let myself cry at the funerals because my mother needed a shoulder to sob on more than she needed a depressed, self harming daughter.
and i guess after awhile it all became routine.

i mean i've lived through 22 deaths at least and they say it only takes three times to make something a habit.
i guess not existing in my own reality became a habit.
and i guess i have a numb heart that can't even feel itself break.

so don't worry sweetheart, my life isn't too hard,
because i don't even notice that it is.

A Letter to My New Therepist

Dear Theresa,

I know we haven't met yet, but I'll meet you in about two and a half hours and my mom told me to show you my blogs so you can learn more about me and keep tabs on my mental health. So I guess I'm writing you this letter as a precursor or a warning before you venture ahead into my writing to tell you that it's rough. I've been through a lot (as you'll find out tonight) and this blog is my only release. I've gone to therapist and I've tried to talk about my problems in private, but for some reason, I can never really tell him what is really happening to me. Yet, I can write poems and share them in front of hundreds of people and have no problem sharing the most private things about myself. 

I guess what I'm really trying to tell you is that I'm going to be a little annoying. I'm going to have a lot of trouble talking to you about my issues and my life out loud, but I'll have no problem writing about all of my darkest secrets and thoughts on this public blog. Probably because the people who read this blog are the people who write with me and feel a lot of the same things I do. These people have never judged me. These people are my friends. These people are my teachers. These people are strangers. I've shared myself with them and they understand me more than I understand myself sometimes. They are the people I trust the most.

And since you're here, you're one of them.

I trust you. I trust that you'll do your absolute best to understand me and help me. I trust that you'll be patient with me when I can't tell you everything in your office and I trust that you'll understand why. I trust that you'll read these words I've put together and take them to heart not only to help me, but maybe to help you too. We're all humans who live with pain and suffering and even those who are called upon to help those who are in the pits of hell need help to cope with it too. Life is hard on all of us, and I want you to know that I know that I won't be the only one in our relationship to be struggling. I hope you will be able to trust me as much as I trust you.

So thank you in advance for our session tonight. I'm sure I'll find it to be helpful.

See you at 8:40.

Charles Darnell

How To Write on a Creative Writing Blog: a Step by Step Process by Charles Darnell

Step 1: go through a heart breaking experience
Step 2: write about it
Step 3: publish it
Step 4: re-read it
Step 5: revert it back to a draft because it's way to personal and there are like at least seven typos
Step 6: fix the typos
Step 7: add two or three more personal details because you've given up on sugar coating your feelings
Step 8: re-publish it
Step 9: refresh the page every thirty minutes for the next five days to check for comments
*Bonus Step: if someone comments read the comment over sixteen times and revel in the glory and start again from Step 1
Step 10: after five days of no comments revert it back to a draft again to save yourself the embarrassment
Step 11: repeat this cycle until you get comments or you just don't give a shit and write for yourself not caring if others like it

it's not my party so i'll cry in my car

he danced with every girl in the room twice

but he didn't dance with me once

he only pulled me aside and asked if i was alright

and i lied to his face and said i was

so he knocked back another and got her alone

and i'm glad he didn't see me in the doorway

because he would've seen red swollen eyes

and not the love of his life going in for the kiss

i was just going to ask him to walk me to my car

i was just going to say goodbye

but why would he say his last goodbye to me

when he was saying hello to the love of his life

so i just turned on Sparks and drove home

and i let the tears roll and the sobs break

and i wished that he would've danced with me once

and i wished that our kisses could've healed his broken heart

instead of breaking mine

and i wished that the party was my party

so i could've cried in front of everyone

and not alone in my car

A Rant on Celebrity Divorces and My Lack of Self Worth

I'm upset about a lot of things.

I'm upset about the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow is a bitch and that she cheated on the most loving, caring, loyal man in the world and that she left two kids in the aftermath. I'm upset about my writing because frankly it's been mediocre and I know I can do better than this. I'm upset about Victor Krum and Hermione not ever being together because he always loved her and she deserved a man who was in love with her intelligence, beauty, and the person she truly was right from the beginning.  I'm upset about the ugly sunburn I got at Disneyland and I'm upset about it turning into a tan. I'm upset about my love life because it's nonexistent and I know that I always say that I don't want to get married but I secretly do and I'm upset about the fact that you probably already knew that. I'm upset about the size of my pants and I'm upset about the bag of chips I just ate in one sitting because I am an animal and baby eating is my natural instinct.

I'm upset about tea set my Mom and I got at Teavana, not because it tastes bad because it doesn't, but because I was too self conscious about my weight to ask the cute guy who helped us what his name was. I'm upset about Isaac's girlfriend in TFIOS because what bitch dumps a man because he is blind even when he is a sweetheart like her and Gwyneth should write a book on how to break hearts and be a lil shit. I'm upset about my sleeping schedule and how whack it is. I'm upset about this new chick he's got who has the weird piercing between her lip and her nose. I'm upset about the fact that I've met her and that she's really nice but that doesn't change the fact that I wish that while he kisses her that he gets too aggressive and accidentally tears it out thus ending the relationship. I'm upset about the fact that the last statement I made sounded like something Gwyneth would say.

I'm upset about Benji Shell's writing coming to an end because that's what has kept me going for months. I'm upset about Raven not understanding that Xavier's brotherly caring love could've been enough and that Magneto's false words that made her feel alive would only destroy her in the end. I'm upset about the hard mattress I have that kills my scoliosis and I'm upset about being broke and not being able to buy a new one. I'm upset about the age gap between me and Chris Martin because I know that if conditions were more acceptable that I could love him without caring about receiving any love in return, knowing that all his love will forever belong to Gwyneth. I'm upset about the fact that I would love a man that could never love me back. I'm upset about how stupid this piece is and I'm upset that you sat here and read it.

I'm upset about a lot of things, but mostly, I'm upset because I care more about a strangers divorce than I care about myself.

"does your friend have a boyfriend?"

it hurt when the cute guy in line hit on my friend who has a boyfriend.
it hurt when that creepy guy stared at my vagina for like a solid 2.3 minutes.
it hurt when the guy opened the door for her and not for me.
it hut when the waiter made a compliment on my necklace just to get my dad to tip him more.
it hut when my friend complained about how her boyfriend was cute but how his friend was hotter.
it hurt when i went to prom by myself even though i had fun.
it hurt when she talked about how great sex was.
it hurt when he took advantage of me.
it hurt when they celebrated their one year anniversary.
it hurt when he dropped me off early on our first date.
it hurt when she got asked to dance.
it hurt to stand their and watch them.
it hurt when she said yes.
it hurt when i didn't get asked.

2009 - 2013

wake up

go to the bathroom

look in the mirror

hit

go to room

get undressed

try on a pair of jeans

look in mirror

hit

tear off the jeans

put on yoga pants

put on oversized shirt

walk upstairs

put on shoes

get in car

go to school

put on a good face

pretend you're alright

get home

go to room

strip down 

look in the mirror

pinch the fat

pull the hair

claw at the stretch marks

hit

hit

hit

cry

hit

hit

hit

hit

stop

lay down

sob

breathe

admire the bruises

trace the broken veins

smile

breathe

go to dinner

eat too much

watch tv

go numb

get tucked in by mom

lie about the bruises

fall asleep

repeat

Benji Shell

I was going to put up flyers on the last day of school in hopes that you would see one and realize how desperately I need to know who you are, but then I decided not to because after thinking it through, I realized how creepy that would be.

So I guess I'll just tell you this way, seems a bit more appropriate.

I need to know who you are.

Because the thought of you is driving me to insanity and you are the reason I am up at 1:18 am writing this and not sleeping. I keep projecting your writing onto strangers faces and then I get my hopes up but then when I ask them if they are you and they look at me like I need to be in a psych ward a part of me dies inside (mostly of embarrassment, but also because I was really hoping I would find you).

It's just your writing is so amazing and I connect to it so much that it's terrifying. You have such a way with words and I show your blog to pretty much everyone I come in contact with. It's freaking bookmarked in my phone because I check it daily. (Pretty sure this is starting to sound like a stalker note.)

I know that you want to stay anonymous and I get that. Sharing yourself with people is the most terrifying thing you can do. And I know I'm asking a lot of you to do this, but at this point I'm on my knees begging (mostly because I'm sleep deprived). If you tell me I SWEAR not to reveal your identity to a living soul. Not even Nelson. All I'm asking for is a name. That's it. And then I promise not to bother you (as much) anymore.

Please. I'm begging you.

-Sarah